The Dad and Daughter Debate: Connection Disconnected

Two generational perspectives on phone use that end up in the same place.

Let’s be honest, our phones have become an extension of our lives, bodies, days (and nights) and our society. But as long as we’re being honest, we have no one and nothing else to blame but ourselves. Shame on us!

As a new employee of The Villages Media Group circa 2003, I was given a Nextel phone to carry at all times. I hated it. I hated the ‘beep-beep’ and even more, hated hearing the sound in places like restaurants, movie theaters and even around the office. Sure, we’ve come a long way with today’s smart phones. Or have we? Do we really need to hear your conversation about your polyps on speaker phone while blocking me in the cereal aisle? No. We most certainly do not.

Having said that, I, along with my wife, who worked in the cell phone industry for years, decided early on to set rules and boundaries in our home; particularly with ‘the kid’ on the adjoining page. The rules were pretty straightforward; no phone until she was 13 years old, and we were all prohibited from bringing our phones to the dinner table, into the bathroom or into the bedroom at night. That changed very recently when we “cut the cord,” no longer having a landline, allowing our phones on the night table in do-not-disturb mode in case of emergency. What I quickly learned, particularly if our daughter was having a friend sleep over, was other parents did not share our boundaries, making it difficult, if not confrontational at times, when we told our overnight tween guest what the house rules were. In fairness, we’ve had adult guests who we’ve tactfully asked not to bring their phones to the table during meals. 

As a business owner, I made a conscious decision to not send office emails to my phone. It is my last bastion of privacy and sanity. For the most part, my clients are good with it, if not envious. But newer ones, who are not aware of my preference, have questioned why I didn’t respond to their email at 8:32pm on a Sunday, let alone how I can run a business these days without immediate access to email. And that’s the point; I am running my business, not allowing my business emails to run me!

That said, I’m not perfect. Sometimes, I’m hypocritical. But it’s an addiction for us to each manage individually. And if you disagree, send me an email. Just don’t expect a reply outside of office hours.

Ok, I’ll admit it… I take my phone almost everywhere. If it’s not in my pocket or my hand, it’s close enough to stay connected to my Apple Watch. I wasn’t always like this though.

I got my first phone when I was 7. It was a TracFone with a keypad and you had to push the number 2 three times to text the letter “C.” It wasn’t until middle school that I was allowed to purchase my first smartphone. That purchase came with rules. No phone in my room at night and no phone at the dinner table. I grew to respect that; I knew my parents just wanted to maintain a phone/life balance.

When I lived in a dorm in college and there was no way to put my phone in another room, I started bringing my phone to bed with me. That habit stuck, as I still bring my phone to bed and use it as my alarm. I won’t deny that most nights, I find myself scrolling before falling asleep.

One rule that I have continued to follow is no phones at the dinner table. It doesn’t matter if I am with family or friends, at home or in a restaurant, I believe in being present and putting my phone down. I approach it as “out of sight, out of mind,” and keep it off the table. 

I also think there are other times and places where phones are inappropriate. These situations are up to your discretion, but you won’t catch me scrolling in a place of worship, in a movie theater, or a small-group discussion. The rule I try to live by is, “If you feel the need to hide that you are using your phone, just don’t use it.” 

Now, my phone is my lifeline. Working in social media, there is very little I can do without my phone. Especially now that I have two phones. If I don’t have access to my phone for even a few minutes, I could miss something. No notification from my phone or watch gets past me. 

While I know that my dependency on devices won’t go away anytime soon, I am trying to do less mindless scrolling and instead use them for more intentional purposes. I am by no means perfect, and pride myself on being a strong in-person conversationalist, something that can be difficult for my generation. I am striving to find and maintain the balance that allows me to continue living life outside of a screen.